Na-no, na-no.
Ripped By mstoll
Daddy got his license. Daddy got his license.
Okay, you lost, Grandpops. Fork over.
Mork driving. Who would believe it could happen here?
I keep thinking, one stiff wind four years ago
and he would've landed in Kentucky.
Come on, Dad.
Mork went out, set a goal for himself and he achieved it.
I think you should be very proud of him.
Proud?
He just drove out of a gas station with the attendant still under the hood.
Made me laugh.
Ha, ha!
Oh, ho.
Well, I'm free. I've got mobility now.
I have got my license, the key to joie.
Oh, ho. Look at this.
Look at that. Oh, I can finally take that "Just Married" sticker off my bicycle.
It was so hard dragging all those cans all these days.
Honey, look, don't think of me as your father.
Think of me as your savior.
You can't turn that maniac loose on the highway.
Will you have a little faith in Mork, please?
He didn't try to discourage you when you took up karate.
Oh, bless you, my little support system.
This would be a red-letter day for me if I hadn't taken such a lousy picture.
Amidst all of this excitement, I've written a poem.
Here it is. Don't you read.
"My Dad" by Mearth McConnell.
Okay.
Now that my dad can drive And change a flat
Please don't run over my new cat
Bless you, son, bless you.
That was wonderful. I loved your imagery and your meter.
You know, it's kind of reminiscent of Ubie or Robert Blake.
Oh, hello.
Hi, uh, I'm Bob Miller, your neighbor from across the street.
- Oh, hi. - I seem to have gotten your mail.
- You're Mindy McConnell, aren't you? - Oh, yeah.
- Oh, and this is my husband, Mork. - Oh, howdy. Hi, Bob. Ha-ha-ha.
I've seen you. When are you gonna take down those Christmas lights?
- Wait a minute. This is a subpoena. - That's right.
Hey, isn't that great? Bob, what a kinda guy you are.
Come over tomorrow, we'll wear shorts,
stand by a fire and have a weenie roast.
Wait a minute. Mork.
You just walked in here and lied to me. You're a process server. You just...
- You said you were our neighbor. - I am.
I do live right across the street.
- By the way, can I borrow your rake? - No.
Sorry you have to be going, neighbor.
Mind, come on. You can't treat people like that.
I mean, if you do that, they'll be walking their dogs on our lawn.
- What's this all about, honey? - I don't know.
Oh. Ugh.
They want me to testify on that story I broke
on the Hidden Springs Highway scandal.
You remember that one, Dad.
It was where the road crew told me the contractor was skimping on the codes
and paying the state inspectors to look the other way.
I suppose they want you to tell them who supplied the information.
Mm-hm.
Mommy, I hope you're not going to release the name of the informant.
You should stand on the first amendment,
on your rights as a journalist.
Too strong?
It's okay when Lou Grant says it.
I can identify with him.
We've got matching bodies.
I just can't believe that they would ask me to betray a confidence like that.
If it wasn't for me, they wouldn't have the story in the first place.
Look, honey, I respect your principles,
but haven't journalists gone to jail for standing on the first amendment?
Oh, Dad, this is just a little construction scandal, not the Pentagon Papers.
No, they're not gonna do anything to me.
This is News Line and I'm Larry Carroll.
Today, KTNS reporter Mindy McConnell
was cited for contempt of court
and jailed for refusing to reveal her news source
in the Hidden Springs bribery trial.
In other news, finalists prep for the Miss Nude Colorado contest.
Film at 10.
All right, come on, sister, move it.
You know, I've never been in jail before.
Yeah, life's tough. I've never been to France.
Excuse me, but there's somebody else in there.
Maybe I could have a single cell.
Toots, this is jail, not the Love Boat. Get in.
Wait a minute. Wait. One last question.
Um, are my things gonna be all right?
I mean, that's a very expensive sweater.
Don't put that on a hanger.
Oh, don't worry about it, honey. I'll only wear it weekends.
- Hello. - Hi.
Oh, you poor, dear child.
I know just how you feel.
Now you come right here and you sit down.
- Would you care for a Snickers? - Oh.
No, thank you.
Suit yourself.
I was just trying to be friendly.
Oh. Oh, I'm sorry.
It's just I've never done time before.
I've never even been grounded.
Oh, I'm Mindy McConnell.
- And I'm Louise Bailey. - Hi.
- My, but you are a cutie. - Oh.
What in the world are you doing in a hell hole like this?
I don't know.
I didn't think things were gonna work out like this.
But my lawyer called and she said I should be out in a few hours.
- It's funny the way things happen. - Yeah.
I'm in here because of a silly old parking meter.
You're kidding.
No, I went into a hardware store, and when I came out,
there was a policeman writing me a ticket.
I don't believe it. They threw you in jail for a parking ticket?
Well, in a roundabout way.
You see, when I put the shovel in the trunk, Walter's arm fell out.
Who's Walter?
My husband.
Well, what was he doing in the trunk?
Not much.
He was dead.
I warned him about his snoring for years, but he just wouldn't believe me.
So last night I took a pair of my very best panty hose
and I wrapped them around his neck real tight.
You know, it was the first good night's sleep I've had in 31 years.
Well, you look well rested.
- You don't snore, do you, dear? - No.
No. No.
- Oh. Oh. - Oh.
Oh, my poor prison pooter. My little San Quentin quail.
How are you?
Oh. Oh, Mind, I mean, oh, the anguish, the degradation.
But cute little dress though.
Mork, I feel so humiliated, even though I know what I'm doing is right.
They took everything.
They took my clothes, and they took my wedding band.
And then they fingerprinted me and took mug shots and...
Oh, Mind...
Mork, that woman told me that she murdered her husband.
Oh, Mind, murdered her husband.
Come on, she looks like Mrs. Cleaver.
Hi.
Oh, Mork, how did Mearth take it?
Did you tell him?
He cried a lot.
He kept saying, "Mama's in the can, Mama's in the can."
- Oh. - Oh, it's all right, though.
Then he packed all your stuff in boxes and he moved in the bedroom with me.
Well, you can tell him to unpack. I'm gonna be out in a few hours.
I got things to tide you over in case you're here longer.
Here's some cigarettes to bribe the screws.
And, uh, here's some facial cream for an older woman.
And, uh, here's a harmonica.
Visiting hours are over.
- Let's go, Shorty. - You got it, Butch.
- I miss you already. - I miss you too, Mind.
Oh, and, lady, don't you worry, she makes a real good roommate.
Don't let her snore and keep you awake at night.
Um, heh, heh, that was a joke.
He was kidding. I don't snore.
As a matter of fact, I don't even sleep.
Guard!
Daddy, Daddy, Daddy, it's such a long step.
Oh, son, son, what's wrong?
- Oh, come, what's the matter now? - What's the matter?
- Can't you see? - Oh, look, well, sit down.
- Sit down. - Oh, the life...
- Let's look at the boo-boo. Sit down. - No boo-boo.
Doggie bit me, and then there was a kitty bit me,
and then there was a gray squirrel,
then Tommy Leonard hit me with a bat. Ow.
What did you do to make these people angry?
Just this.
Oh, son, well, let me look at your boo-boo. Oh!
- Don't touch it. - Oh, blood.
- Hey, hey, hey... - I'll be back. Wait now.
You've got to set an example for me.
Daddy, Daddy...
Here we go. Don't you worry. Let's put a little of this on.
Wait a minute. Ow! Aah!
Come on, if a dog bit you...
Come on. It's my sore. Let me do the "ows."
Ow.
Okay, if a dog bit you, we've gotta get a rabies shot for you.
I was kidding about that.
Doggie didn't bite me and a kitty didn't bite me.
But Bobby Leonard hit me with a bat.
Mommy never puts these on.
- She always puts... - Well, listen, kid.
Your mommy's in the slammer busting rocks and breaking out license plates.
So I'm the best you got. You better deal with me.
Oh, what am I talking about? I miss Mommy too.
Boy, you need some sedation.
Oh. Oh, son, son, I'm sorry. Forgive me.
Can't you even think of helping me?
Boy, it's getting stiff.
Uh-oh. Uh-oh. Gangrene, gangrene.
That's it. I'm not going to go very far.
Here we go. Come on, son.
There we go.
- You up now? - Yeah. This is a biggie.
- Are you feeling better now? - Yes, I am.
Oh, my gosh. That's the doggie. Maybe it's Bobby Leonard.
Mork...
I'm afraid I've got some bad news.
Don't tell me something's happened to Gene Rayburn.
- No, Mork. - Oh, thank God.
You see, the judge has denied Mindy's petition for release.
She could be locked up for quite a while.
Oh, this is awful.
Mommy's not coming home for a while.
Oh, no, Mearth and I are gonna be plagued by relatives
bringing over strange casseroles like tomato delight.
Gee, I'm like Daddy. I'm real sorry about that,
but take some extra green, looks like you lose again.
It's amazing. Nine days and she hasn't improved at all.
- Oh, Mork. - Oh, honey.
Oh, Mork, I don't think I can stand it another day.
Oh, darling, I think I have a plan, though,
so you can say good-bye to the bars, the community showers
- and the mystery meat. - Oh, what?
Well, just tell them the name of your informant.
No. I'm not gonna do that.
You tell me and I'll spill your guts for you.
Mork, you know how I feel about freedom of the press.
This is a basic constitutional question.
You mean like how Strom Thurmond keeps having children?
What?
Oh, Mork...
All right, get in here.
Easy, sister, or I'm gonna have to show you
a few tricks I learned in the roller derby.
Oh.
Oh, Mind, come on now. You gotta come home.
I can't bear you sleeping on anything that doesn't have a dust ruffle.
Believe me, I wanna come home.
Oh, Mork, it's not easy for me here.
When I go out in the exercise yard, the prisoners giggle when I shoot baskets.
I have to cut my meat with a spoon
and, frankly, the screws here aren't very nice.
Move it, sister, you're on my bunk.
Do you believe I said that to her?
That woman would kill me for my lunch.
Oh, are they that good here?
Oh, Mind, I'm not just gonna sit down and let you rot in here.
Now come on, I'm gonna try and do something.
Oh, Mork, what can you do? It's so complicated.
You wouldn't know where to start.
Oh, that doesn't matter, Mind.
I'm gonna go to the capitol,
start knocking on doors until someone listens.
I'm gonna work through the system. I am.
I've gone through enough red tape to gift wrap the Kremlin.
- How can I help you? - Well, you see,
my wife is a journalist and, well, she refused to give her sources
so the judge found her in contempt. She's been in the stir nine days
and they haven't even taught her a trade.
That's an outrage. Would you like some coffee?
Oh, no, thank you. I'm not alone in this, though.
I have a petition here signed by all 17 members of Miss LePons' tap class.
I'd like to thank you for taking the time and the trouble
to bring this problem to my attention.
Before you go, I would like to present you with one of my souvenir pens.
If I wanted a pen and coffee, I would've mugged a waitress.
I don't need any more pens.
Look at this. I've got pens coming out the klarn here.
Look at this.
Look at that. Look at this one. A Ronald Reagan pen. It's got no point.
Come on now. Come on, you're an elected official.
I mean, you've gotta help people.
Do more than open up super markets and have mediocre-looking daughters.
There's gotta be something you can do.
Well, okay, the only viable solution that I can think of is a shield law.
Oh. Is that the law where it forces a woman
to wear pads to protect her delicate dress?
No, it protects a journalist from having to disclose their sources.
Uh, twenty-six states have some sort of shield law, but Colorado doesn't.
However, they don't have our mile-high taffy.
Well, how about this for a campaign for you, huh?
I mean, how about this?
"Free the shiksa one."
- That'll work. - Yeah.
And who knows? In no time, Mindy'll be home changing the vacuum bag.
Okay, listen, I know what I can do.
Of course, this is gonna take time. This isn't Fotomat.
I'll have to draft a bill, and then, uh, push it through the right channels.
- Right. Right. - Well, you know what?
- I won't take my Christmas vacation. - Bless you.
- I'll ram this through... - Ram it home.
Yes, sir. And you know what?
She'll probably be out in about two or three years.
Two or three years?
By that time Brooke Shields' eyebrows would have met.
Hey, listen, that's not so... That's not so bad.
You know, it took me two full terms just to get this swivel chair?
Then you can't get my wife out of jail?
No. But my father could've.
I'm sorry. It's not that I don't care.
It's just that, well, I don't wanna make waves.
Oh. You don't wanna make waves?
Well, you politicians... You politicians are all alike.
I should have known better.
I mean, from the same system that gave us Spiro Agnew.
Happy birthday to you
Hey.
It's not my birthday. What are you doing?
Oh, will you listen to her? She's so shy.
She lies about her age and her SAT score.
You know, you've got a funny little man here.
A cake in the shape of a saw. Ha-ha-ha!
Play along with her. We're making our own laws here, just like in Haiti.
Mork, whatever you're up to, please don't.
Oh, she's gonna perk up so much
when we make those little balloon animals.
Oh, good. You know, we haven't had a party here
since the police chief had his heart attack.
Party! Whoo!
Well, Mind... Well, I saw this cake. It's the best one I'd seen bar none.
Hope it doesn't make you break out. Heh, heh.
Break out. Heh, heh.
Well, make a wish, hon.
I did, but you're probably going through with this anyway.
A couple of weeks without her Waterpik
and she still hasn't lost her spirit.
- Well, time to cut the cake. - Yeah.
Oh, but there's an old tradition that the birthday girl gets to cut the cake.
Well, we have a little tradition here too.
Prisoners with knives get shot on sight.
- I want my piece of cake now. - Oh, yeah.
What kind of filling is that?
I asked for rum raisin.
Oh, how'd that...?
Oh, the nerve. Oh, boy.
I'm gonna call my consumer advocate about this. Whoa.
Watch out for this one. Oh, that really...
Oh, what a bummer. Watch out for...
Hey, wait a second.
Did you really marry that guy
or are you just breaking him in for somebody else?
Come back here.
Psst.
It's me.
Hop on the Midnight Express. Come on.
I want you to stop this right now.
Oh, Mind, come on now. I need you. Mearth needs you.
And, besides, we've got tickets to see Sophisticated Ladies. Now come on.
- No. - Oh, Mind, listen.
I mean, it's clam night at Howard Johnson's.
Mind, come on now, please.
- Well, stand back. Stand back. - No.
- No, Mind, come on, stand back. - Stop it.
- Mork, put that finger down. - Mind...
Come on, Mind. Come on.
My car's outside, engine's running. You don't wanna miss clam night.
Come on, let's go.
Mork, it's against the law to break people out of jail.
Well, so is dancing with sheep, but people still do it.
Mork, oh, I wanna go with you, but I can't.
Oh, Mork, don't you see, this is...
This is my one chance to prove that my beliefs are more than just words.
My mind's made up. I'm not going anywhere. I'm staying here.
Are you the same woman that broke the Pritikin Diet after only three hours?
Yes. But that's different, Mork.
Sometimes you have to make sacrifices for your principles.
Oh, come on, you see that, don't you?
Oh, no. Come on, Mind. Oh, no.
All right, freeze, shrimp.
You boys play handball someplace else.
- Oh, no. No, that's not gonna work. - No, no.
- You're under arrest. - Oh, please.
No, no, wait, wait. This is a mistake.
This is a misunderstanding. Come on, where's your sense of humor?
Well, Mind, look at the good side. I'm here, you're here,
and if they get Mearth on a juvenile rap, we'll be a happy family again.
You know, you could've saved yourself the trouble.
Pollyanna here's been released.
- Your source finally spilled the beans. - Ah.
You're kidding. I'm free. Oh, God, I can't wait to get out of here.
Oh, but, Mind, you ex-cons are so insensitive.
Mind, what about me?
- Well... - Come on, toots, let's move it.
Um... Mork...
Oh, Mind, you can't leave me here.
You know what happens to a pretty face in jail.
I'm gonna go straight home and call the lawyer, all right?
- All right. - Okay, I'll call... You might need this.
- Oh, all right. - And don't eat the macaroni. It's bad.
Wait a minute. What am I feeling sorry about?
There's no jail in this town that could hold me on clam night.
A souvenir.
Born free
All those years in the roller derby... I knew I should have worn a helmet.
This is News Line and I'm Mindy McConnell.
Heavy rains today bring flash flood warnings to Colgate County.
Today, Denver Gazette reporter Judd Smith was cited for contempt
and jailed for refusing to reveal his news sources
in the Arvada kickback trial.
In a related story, a bill to provide a shield law for journalists
died in committee.
And the manhunt continues
for escaped pantyhose strangler, Louise Bailey.
Details at 10.
Ripped By mstoll